I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.
There’s something about Paul’s writing here that resonates with me. Paul is being honest and vulnerable, and here we see him wrestling deep inside himself and not simply with the theology of faith. God apparently wants us to see and understand that.
So Paul, a significant church leader and follower of Jesus, says there are times when he doesn’t understand himself. I feel bad for Paul because that isn’t pleasant, especially not for someone who wants the pieces of his life to fit and have integrity.
Though I feel bad for Paul in this situation, I am also thankful that he dares to say what he did, and that God chose to pass that along to me (and all of us). It clarifies for me that being a follower of Jesus, even when I do plenty of honorable things, doesn’t mean that everything in my life falls neatly into place.
But Paul identifies something more. Even in those areas of my life that don’t fit with my desire to follow Jesus, my heart still knows this: I belong to Jesus. Even though I sin, I do not belong to sin. I don’t understand myself sometimes, but I know to whom I belong, weaknesses and all. And that’s the point.
Do you belong to Jesus too?
Lord, thank you for Paul’s honest words. I’m sorry for ways in which my living doesn’t reflect belonging to you. But I know I belong to you, and that you love me—weaknesses and all. In your name, Amen.
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